The Bad Boy Complex

I posted some random story on Instagram where I mentioned I don't drink, smoke or gamble to which my friends were concerned of me not living to the fullest and few offered to introduce me to the 'correct' way of life if I party with them often :) Actually their gesture was very sweet and funny and few even reprimanded me for being so boring. 

To add to the above list, I do not play video games, don't utter expletives, don't usually lose temper or yell at anybody (except my mom and wife - who know how to put me back in my place), do not consume soft drinks, tea or coffee and recently decided to avoid desserts too. Not that doing any of these is wrong or not doing these would make one better or worse. 

Just saying, I am that quintessential 'boring' person, most people would bypass in social circles as I do not fit into that 'interesting' or 'attractive' definition by miles and I believe there are many who live such boring and regular lives who do not attract any eyeballs nor are they centers of attraction of any group. This thought triggered me to write this note about those archetypal 'bad boys' with certain aura who are always 'attractive', 'interesting' and 'charming' and how do they manage to do it.

Story Behind 'Bad Boy Complex':

Historically (~300,000 years earlier) when early humans lived in small groups; men used to hunt, gather and provide food for families. For such men who hunted for food among wild animals, they had to be predators themselves who were up for bloody fights, upmanship with a display of supreme machismo combined with confidence and dominance.

More confident and dominant the male was, the more successful he was for his family and hence well respected, liked by the community in general and females in the society in particular. Okay, I don't intend to deliver a lecture on anthropology here but the point is that people generally liked and subconsciously got attracted to confident males since time immemorial.

Times changed. Civilizations developed, mindsets transformed, paradigm shifted. With education and empathy, humans understood that men do not have to behave like lions anymore because success and providing to family is now more proportional to their knowledge and people management than brute physical prowess. Industrial revolution, feminism made sure that men gravitate towards feministic qualities like communication, art, music, politeness in demeanor while women drifted towards socially prominent careers. Did this change the mindset totally? Alas, no. Because most of these revolutions happened in the last 100-200 years and how deep is human behavior ? 300,000 years old and can't be shaken easily.

Hence, when a man appears confident, he is congenitally attractive to both sexes. Men like to emulate him and women develop crush on him because confidence in the man are reflective of his ability to fight, win, dominate in any imminent confrontation and that would stimulate our hunter-gatherer ancestors' instincts. That's one reason protagonist of any mainstream movie, book or other pieces of fiction are always almost portrayed as confident and self assured. 

But where did bad boys come into this equation ? That's a travesty that happened because humans started confusing between confident boys and bad boys because bad boys always (100% of the time) look confident. 

'Arjun Reddy' is such a blockbuster despite the troublesome protagonist because he was charming thanks to his 'bad boy' attitude. 'Satya', 'Gangs of Wasseypur', 'The Wolf of Wall Street', 'The Godfather', 'Goodfellas' - you name it. When heroes (or anti-heroes) are shown as bad guys, they appear charming, attractive and the movie sells because they were catering to our primal senses and not to our intelligence.

So why cannot nice guys too display confidence and be attractive ? That would not work because nice guys are of two types.

1. Those exceedingly responsible to the extent of being meek. They can seldom be attractive or successful.
2. Those who waver between responsibility and confidence and exhibit attitude based on situation. They can be successful but appear boring as they don't exude ruggedness or charm.

Because bad boys do not have a barrier of dichotomy, they can afford to always show confidence (née arrogance) regardless of their success quotient or emotional quotient. Bad boys lose temper easily, throw tantrums because they do not care about consequences. They do not try to appease anybody because they do not invest in human relationships. They abuse themselves and their kindred because they do not intend to be responsible for anybody including themselves. But those flaws would be immensely charming and entertaining to look at.

When teenage girls and young women stepping into their early puberty encounter such bad boys, they fall head over heels, thanks to their DNA, chromosomes and hormones. They sometimes fight their parents and world because the intellectual reasons look too prosaic when juxtaposed against the charm and enchantment radiated by the bad boy. If the boy turns out to be equally responsible and successful, the girl would hit a jackpot, otherwise things would soon turn sour and repulsive when she begins despising his day to day temperament and tantrum fits that cause chronic trauma.

But the surprising fact is many women accept and come to terms with irresponsible bad boys for life. If male chauvinism, patriarchy and misogyny are celebrated in Indian households today, it is because the women tolerate, venerate and idolize this particular fake machismo of their husband and pass his toxicity off as his virility and ability. This is an invisible pandemic that gripped Indian households for centuries and is not going away anytime sooner.

So turning the tables, what should nice guys and good boys do to be equally attractive as bad guys ?

My answer is: Nothing. Do not do anything to be attractive or to impress others. You do not have to turn bad to attract a few eyeballs. You should not try too hard to be a hero or a cynosure. It would look forced and repugnant.

But if you are too introverted, meek or forbearing (type 1 of nice guys mentioned above), you need to understand that men will be respected based on how much value they create for their family (or society). Forget about attracting others and work on yourself and yearn to be more valuable. A valuable and successful man who can be responsible to his family and community is way more attractive than all those charmers you felt intimidated with earlier. 

If you are already responsible and confident, (which majority of us family men are - type 2 of nice guys mentioned above), let us stand our ground and raise our sons not to turn bad and raise our daughters not to fall for irresponsible bad guys and inspire both sons and daughters to conquer over any vices that could control them and to help them develop emotional stability and good manners. Future is in our hands while the time will be the winnow that will separate insignificant chaff from the wheat.

Travel Diaries 8 - IRAQ Edition

When 'Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara' released in 2011, I experienced a moment of epiphany that no other piece of art could invoke in me. A mere thought of rediscovering ourselves through traveling escapades triggered some inexplicable euphoria. My wife and I realized traveling could be our true calling. By then we were married for 5 years and I was in early 30's but I don't remember us doing anything exciting as we were more into the grind of family, careers and eventually kids. Bunty arrived in May 2012. 

It was a night I remember where we both sat together to decide that we need to stop existing and begin living in it's full sense and since we shared common passions (traveling being one of them), we decided to turn the next chapter of our life when my boy was few months old. We started traveling and the rest is history.

We have been to quite a few countries, immersed ourselves into the nature, beaches, historic old towns, monuments, world wonders, interacted and immersed ourselves in many cultures across continents and we thought we had seen the world...until we were on to the recent expedition to Middle East. This is when something magical happened.

We traditionally try to visit some new place on my wife's birthday which coincides with new year's day and this time we wanted to go to some place which we did not even dream we could go sometime. The place that had been in the news for all the wrong reasons since my younger days - IRAQ. 

IRAQ

War-torn, under-developed, sectarian violence, fundamentalism, terrorism are few of the choicest epithets we hear about Iraq. Canadian government had issues a strict travel advisory against visiting Iraq. So did I commit any irresponsible misadventure taking my wife and young kids there ?

Iraq was on my radar for the last few years and I had been in touch with various travel agents, locals , news outlets and was waiting for the right time and opportunity. The biggest step I have taken was to think beyond what western propaganda news outlets and government agencies wanted me to believe. For those of you who follow geopolitics, these exact governments invaded Iraq on the pretext of saving the humanity from their weapons of mass destruction but when they did not find any, ended up looting their oil and resources, remember ?

But Iraq was on my mind for various other reasons. For those who do not know, Iraq (earlier called Mesopotamia) was the cradle of civilization where the concept of writing, mathematics, astrology etc took birth. That was exactly where humans started living in societies that gave way to cultures, religions, languages to explode. Such was the rich history, heritage of the place which was ransacked for religious and political megalomania. And no media outlet with vested interest could convince me otherwise.

Hence we traveled to I.R.A.Q.

Baghdad:

The moment we entered Iraqi airspace (from Jordan - another article, another time about Jordan), I pinched myself to check if it was real but I was also prepared for some culture shocks or jolts as Iraq is not known to be an overly traveler friendly country. And the first jolt was ready to occur in Baghdad airport where we had to search for an elusive 'on-arrival visa' counter which happened to be an unattended broken desk outside washrooms. We could see border control counter, baggage belts, exit, vehicles on the street and stores beyond the street all from the place we stood waiting for the visa-on-arrival officer. A gentleman finally arrived, took our passports and money and vanished somewhere. And he did not appear for a while. Nobody else to enquire too except a janitor cleaning the floor manually who only spoke Arabic.

That was a moment of doubt if I was being over-ambitious in visiting an hostile country known for xenophobia. What if somebody stole our passports ? Whoa. But thankfully the man returned with Iraqi visa stamps that we now cherish dearly as badges of honor. Once we passed the border control, my man whom I interacted with earlier arranged a driver who drove us to the hotel. Understandably he did not speak much of English and we indulged in a short dumb charades game. We wanted to see if there was some 'Welcome to Baghdad' kind of insignia or a board to take a picture but alas..I reminded myself that we were in a hostile and not so traveler friendly place. But I started observing something amusing.

The driver who dropped us, the concierge at the hotel, reception were all pleasantly surprised and low-key shocked to see a family of brown people (with small kids) as it was evident they haven't seen such sight as long as they could remember. Yes, we ruffled a few feathers here and there.

The hotel staff was very accommodating but the room was inhospitable in terms of odor and amenities. When we asked for a change, they obliged our request but again we realized that if we yearned comfort or luxury, we should have gone to a luxury all inclusive resort in the Caribbean. We clearly went to another world and kept the unprepared staff on their toes. May be we behaved a but like those conceited tourists from the western world who live in their bubble. But again, we reminded ourselves we wanted to be travelers and not tourists (big difference).

Next morning, my guy in Iraq arranged a 'guide' who met us with a warm smile and the first question he asked was 'what do you want to see ?'. I was taken a little aback as wasn't he supposed to tell us what he's gonna show ? But again he sheepishly said there was no such concept of tourist guides there and his priority was to keep us safe and secure than taking places. A touché moment, indeed.  I had an inkling about Baghdad and vicinity, thanks to my earlier research; so I listed him the places we wanted to see. He retorted there was nothing more in Baghdad than that list. I felt vindicated.

We try to augment our travel experiences by talking to locals about their land. They always feel proud and offer genuine information that we are otherwise privy to. The 'guide' revealed he actually was an interpreter to US army when they invaded Iraq and hence gave us a picture from both sides. First of our discussions was how much locals hate Americans (or Canadians) or anybody white. He said we should be glad being Indians with brown skin otherwise Canadian passports were always looked upon with suspicion.

While we drove through, I noticed that entire city was filled by billboards and posters (not of movie-stars or rockstars. Any form of entertainment is banned in Iraq). The posters belonged to martyrs of Shia militia, the extra judicial armies, the government too can't talk against. Detractors call them terrorists, but for Shia majority they were heroes. Do you know who are the parties that fight against those Shia militia ? Al-Qaeda and ISIS (drumroll). We drove and later walked through many places and streets that were destroyed by the conflict between ISIS, Shia militia and US army. The guide did not want to talk too much about Shia militia because the driver was a Shia (so was the guide himself..or over 60% of the Iraqi population too)

The first place he took us to was a memorial of the Iran-Iraq war of 1980's built by a certain Saddam Hussein (heard his name in news?). I had an iota of knowledge about that war but the discourse with the guide was rich. He was kind enough to discuss the prevalent Sunni Shia conflicts that escalated to political upmanship and eventually war between the countries. Then we had been to an abandoned Abbasid Palace which would have been celebrated by UNESCO and tourists had it been in any other country. When we went the whole palace was for ourselves. 

After the monuments and memorials, we wanted to feel true Iraqi streets. He took us across the river Tigris to Mutanabbi street, a famous pedestrian shopping. And something amazing happened there. Random people began stopping us to enquire if we liked Iraq and if we felt safe ? There were almost 15-20 such instances within a 2 kilometer radius. Seniors took selfies with us, asked us what we liked about Iraq and requested us to spread positive words about Iraq. That was heart-warming and gut wrenching at the same time.

We had been to many countries where we were treated as money making machines. Nobody volunteered to strike a conversation with us. It was always we trying to talk or understand their worlds. But Iraq was the first place where locals tried to interact, wanted to listen from us, some even invited to their place. Sweetness overloaded. At some other place, somebody asked our guide if my wife was a bollywood actor and when he said yes in jest, that was spread like a wildfire and throngs of people surrounded us but yet we felt absolutely safe and secure. The love just shows, huh. We clarified to them we were no celebs but they still could not get enough of us and I must admit, we loved the unexpected attention and love that came our way. 

Then we visited some shrines, mosques, streets and our day in Baghdad was memorable for a lifetime. But it was only a beginning of Iraq. My target destination i.e., the cradle of civilization was not Baghdad, it was Babylon.

Babylon:

Heard about 'Hanging Gardens of Babylon' ? For beginners, it's one of the ancient (original) seven wonders of the world. No other ancient wonder except the great pyramids exists anymore. But archeologists identified the exact location where the said gardens once existed. That was, of course, in Babylon, a 1.5 hour drive from Baghdad. So it's time for us to foray into the hinterland of Iraq beyond the urban sprawls of Baghdad.

The drive was quite an experience for us. Once past Baghdad suburbs, there was perceptible change in the people's clothing and behavior. There were check posts and army tanks every few meters and it was indistinguishable if the gunmen were army, private militia or common men. Our guide advised not to be conspicuous and hence we tried to blend it as much as we could but our glaringly western wear and physiognomy gave us away. Nothing dangerous though.

Finally we reached Babylon and I was jubilant to step on the erstwhile place of Sumerian and Babylon civilizations but our guide had a surprise addition to our itinerary: Saddam Hussein's palace overlooking Euphrates river on one side and Babylon ruins of the BC period on the other. The palace now is abandoned with graffiti all over but there is certain eerie discomfort and sad truth about that place.

Saddam Hussein wanted his name to be remembered in the annals of the history and hence did the unthinkable. He 'reconstructed' and renovated archeological ruins of Babylon by getting modern structures built on the original ruins including his ostentatious palace. How insane ! He had the delusion of grandiosity and wanted to be taken his name in the same breath of Hammurabi. Nevertheless, we walked the path that's now garnished with maze of walls. All we got to do was to place our hand on a wall where the hanging gardens once existed. 

But another surprise for us that was the exact place where Alexander the Great died after his renown expeditions. Yes, we stood on the exact spot where he died. That was a goosebumps moment.

Beyond Saddam's artificial structures, there were some actual ruins we got to see up-close but the sad part was that those treasured ruins which should have been cordoned off from vandals and trespassers was left open (except a restricted old thoroughfare). 

However for me, it was a surreal feeling to stand on a land where Hammurabi, Alexander and yeah Saddam Hussein stood once and at the place where civilizations started and thrived. I felt the history spoke up-close and personal with me. And I'm gonna cherish that feeling.

Karbala:

The third and final segment of Iraq had to be a place of significance to millions of people across the world, more specifically Shia Muslims. Look up 'Battle of Karbala' and you would be transported to a world of Islamic renaissance. To keep things simple, that was the place where Imam Husayn, grandson of Mohammed, was massacred by Yazid, the then ruler of mainstream Sunni Muslims. While Sunni-Shia rift began soon after Prophet Mohammed's death, the battle of Karbala amplified the schism which is felt even today. Muhurram is being observed even today to commemorate Imam Husayn's death. And there is no way we could miss visiting His shrine while in Iraq.

Karbala is more interior and orthodox in Islamic values and has an indistinguishable Iranian influence. Billboards were seen in both Arabic and Persian. Clothing wise too, there is a stronger Iranian version making it mandatory for women to wear abaya (full burqa). After my wife wore one, the senior ladies around took her under their wings and made sure not a strand of her hair was visible and some other lady wiped her make-up off. We had been to many mosques in different places (including Arab world) but the credos at Karbala appeared stringent. But when Rome, do as the Romans do and when in Karbala, do as the Shia Muslims do and say. Respecting their culture while at their place was non-negotiable for us.

The moment we entered the shrine complex, there were scores of dead bodies (Janazah) brought to the holy shrine for the funeral prayers. I underwent a kind of stupor seeing so many devout shia muslims in the state of absolute trance. There were tens of thousands in the complex and almost everyone were wailing out of grief or emotional outburst. I had been to many significant places of worship including Vatican, Jerusalem, Tirupati but what I saw in Karbala doesn't leave my eyes.

I checked with my guide if I being a non-Muslim was allowed to enter the shrine interiors and he responded that as long as I respected the culture and people around, I was allowed. And of-course why wouldn't I ? Since women enter through another gate, apparently wifey was enquired by a group of curious women if she was 'Hind' (meaning Indian) when they saw her toe-ring. But eventually they welcomed her in. Through the men's entrance, I finally stepped into the fourth most important shrine for Shias after Mecca, Medina and Jerusalem and the place where grandson of Prophet was buried. Never in my life did I imagine that could ever happen.

The interiors of Imam Husayn's shrine were dazzling with crystals with places to offer Namaaz for many thousands. There were times when millions gathered at the shrine. The ornate Islamic architecture and grandeur were at their full glory for me to daze in when I saw a place similar to Sanctum Santorum, the holiest of the holies - the room where the actual grave of Imam Husayn lied, thronged by people all around so they could touch the wall of the grave. I had my son with me and I asked if he wanted to touch it too with so many people around. The last thing I wanted was him to get injured in some stampede. But he was as enthusiastic as I was; we waited our turn patiently and could finally touch that holy ornate wall of the grave that millions of Muslims across the world only crave to do.

And that marked the end of our trip to Karbala, and Iraq. After years of online research, interacting with tens of travelers in various forums, talking to locals, putting the foot forward deciding to visit Iraq to eventually visiting the country, experiencing the culture, religion, history, ruins, people, their love, their food (including mandi) - everything still feels like a dream. 

Iraq is not just any country in my repertoire of travel stories, but a place that deeply affected me, taught me, pampered me and enriched me in more ways than I could imagine. I am glad that I took my kids to that country and more glad that I chose this to celebrate my wife's birthday-week.. Actually she has more stories about Iraq which she would open up at her leisure.

The middle east trip was the best trip we had been to in our lives and Iraq is an important cog in the wheel. But there was another country in our itinerary that I wanted to visit since my childhood for a stronger reason. We visited and left that country with more stories, experiences than I dreamt of. That was Israel (and Palestine), an active warzone. A follow-up article about Israel-Palestine coming shortly as part-2 of the middle east trilogy. Stay tuned.

Let me body shame you !

Now that I caught your attention with that offensive subject line, let me tell you this article is not about humiliating or poking fun of anybody's weight or appearance. Whatever I'm writing shall not be applicable to those suffering from any medical condition or those who are facing weight issues despite trying hard. I wish you the best in your journey and let's hope you progress well.

This is for all those 'woke' and 'body-positivity' clique who wear their obesity on their sleeve and believe that is normal, something to be proud of and to those who say they aren't ashamed of their over weight. And this is also for those naïve people who do not understand the gravity of what their bulging tummy can pose for them. 

For those who have seen me personally and felt I looked fit, actually my body fat percentage is close to 20%. Anybody with body-fat more than 25% are considered obese and I am not too far from that. So it goes without saying that if I do not care about my lifestyle and eating habits for sometime, I end up in obesity category and my risk of dying through heart diseases, cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure increases by 30% over other fit people. 

Time for you to retrospect if you fall over 25% body-fat and if yes that means your bulging tummy is a ticking time bomb and no body positivity would come to your rescue. By the way do you have a family to support and kids to raise ?

Everybody knows that the two major ways of cutting down body fat is by lifting weights and by reducing intake of bad foods (white salt, white sugar, white rice, white flour - all white witches). Should we avoid all these foods for good ? Our life is all about biryanis, sweets, deep-fried savories and hence we can't get rid of those completely. But the bigger question is...should we have all these thrice a day or even better question, should we have any food thrice a day, everyday ?

Did you wonder how to handle hunger because you feel hungry every few hours ? The joke is on you because hunger is a feeling triggered not by lack of food but by your brain which tricks you to eat. If you fast for long, brain would divert itself to tap your belly fat for energy but we usually don't let that happen and keep satisfying our hunger pangs.

I made a one hour video about bio-chemistry and what happens within the cells of your body when we eat and what happens when we do not eat. But my wife reprimanded from sharing that online as it was a bit too preachy and I gave up. 

Anyway, if you thought body fat only castes heart diseases, let me give you more possibly consequences: Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, blindness. Cancer is aggravated by presence of high body sugars. We wonder why our grandparents suffered from health related diseases as they grew old. Unfortunately, they were not told how to lead a healthy lifestyle as their entire diet was full of white witches.

But at least they had an active lifestyle. And lets compare theirs with our sedentary lifestyles sitting in front of computers for 8 hours, another 4 hours in front of TVs. We could die much earlier and I won't make it politically correct. Do you hear about those young men in 30's and 40's dying of cardiac arrests or are you in your own dangerous bubble ?

'Breakfast is the most important meal of the day' is the shit advertised by cereal companies. Do they care about your well-being ? Hahaha. To my surprise, doctors told my diabetic family members that they should not fast because the diabetic medicines would reduce body sugar levels and hence they should eat 'well' to increase their body sugars so that medicines can do their job. They do not want the sugar levels to be reduced naturally by fasting. 

If you lose your weight and get healthy, the corporates lose their money, healthcare industry crumbles, pharma companies lose and none of them encourage limited eating. We live in a world of consumerism and hence we need to back one another. Read about 'autophagy', 'ketones' and how prolonged fasting before lifting weights will make you stronger, sharper and how eating diminishes the results. But we were conventionally told that eating makes us stronger and healthier. Nothing can be a bigger scam. 

I personally follow 'one meal a day' on all weekdays and my detractors ask me if that's healthy and nutritious at all ? I am amused at that question because I do not understand if we need to eat thrice a day to get those milligrams of vitamins, minerals, carbs and protein our body needs (assuming they all eat only nutritious food every time). Won't I get that nutrition from one healthy lunch ? Weren't early humans made to hunt and eat once in two or three days ? Don't lions and tigers eat once in three days now ? None of the animal species eat thrice a day and humans are made the same way too. We just eat way more than what our bodies need and hence all the extra food would be stored as belly fat for future energy spending which we don't spend anyway. 

We just can't stop ourselves from eating 'tasty food' because we let our brain and hormones like dopamine control us. Not controlling intake of food is as addictive as smoking, drinking or doing drugs. More dangerous actually as we do it thrice a day.

Few people eat healthy and few others who can't control their mouth burn the calories in gym through weight training. If you don't do either or if you talk about body-positivity to hide your insecurities, let me touch your raw nerve by saying you lack discipline of controlled-eating, and you are lazy enough to hit the gym. 

If you are fat and if your clothes don't fit it, if you are not motivated to groom well, yet you lack self-discipline, you are a bad example and influence on your kids because they learn this very lazy lifestyle and habits from you. You are not only ruining your life but also people around you. And you don't need anybody else to body shame you, because you are your own enemy and you will see your life crumbling in front of your own eyes. I repeat - your fat body is a ticking timebomb and it will catch you up sooner or later. Deal with it.

Travel Diaries 7: British Isles & Central Europe - 2022

After consciously refraining myself from posting public blog posts for over 2 years, it feels a bit wistful penning down my thoughts again but I wanted to write this note before the post-vacation steam fizzes off. I needed such exciting context to write something without appearing redundant. 

2017 was memorable with our 7-continent Odyssey to commemorate our 10th anniversary but we had to remain travel-dormant for the next 5 years marked with our house construction commitments followed by a certain pandemic. Yes, there were a couple of all-inclusive resort or cruise trips in the grind but I don't qualify them as travel as they were more like indulgence without the perks of travel experiences.

For us, traveling had always been liberating that unshackled us from the mundane routine but this particular trip would remain etched into our minds and hearts forever for more reasons than one. Before talking about merits of the places, this trip was also different because we did not have strollers to push kids around and this was also the first major trip without diapers and the associated paraphernalia.

In my past blog article, I wrote how important it was for us to travel with kids as that always resulted in our spending undivided attention and forge stronger bond with them. This time it only grew tenfold stronger thanks to the kind of places we visited. As cliched as it might sound, we kind of rediscovered ourselves through the experiences we had in our 3 week whirlwind tour of 9 countries and 18 cities /towns of British Isles and Central Europe. Yes, you may say Whoa !

For those who care, here is the list of places we visited

1. London and vicinity in England (Oxford, Windsor, Stonehenge, Cotswold)
2. Edinburgh, Scotland
3. Glasgow, Scotland
4. Dublin, Ireland
5. Belfast, Northern Ireland
6. Prague, Czech Republic 
7. Zagreb, Croatia 
8. Ljubljana, Slovenia
9. Lake Bled, Slovenia
10. Budapest, Hungary
11. Bratislava, Slovakia
12. Krakow, Poland
13. Auschwitz, Poland 
14. Vienna, Austria

The experiences

Since we were fresh from Banff & Jasper trip at home, we were clear we did not want to visit another scenic canvas anymore because very few places are more beautiful than Banff (may be with an exception of towns and hamlets around Swiss and Austrian Alps). So this time, we were longing to be at historical places with 1000 year old cobbled old town squares, palaces and castles as I never get tired of such magnificence. But we were surprised in more ways than one.

England

Our first stop was London. We wanted to spend my mother's birthday in the megapolis. London tower bridge was mind-blowing as expected along with the Westminster, Buckingham patch. But the rest of the city fell a bit flat or may be I had unreal expectations. Or may be I developed a grudge because security guards denied our earnest plea to enter Buckingham palace when we were late to the entrance by 3 minutes, thanks to the indifferent hop on hop off bus dudes. I must say that was the low point of our tour. We went to London but did not see the Queen's palace. Alas.

Oxford university was awe-inspiring. The feeling that I was at the place I grew up learning about as one of the best places of education in the world was surreal. Despite being a Harvard alumnus, I was starstruck with the sight of Oxford and it's distinguished Bodleian Library. 

Change of guard ceremony at Windsor castle was fun for kids to watch. The march, costumes and ostentatiously upholding legacy of the monarchy was worth watching. Stonehenge was better than expected but Cotswold touted to be the most beautiful village of the country was a let-down at least for me. Perhaps, it takes more romanticism to appreciate the quaintness of the ville that's a cool 3 hours away from London.

Scotland

But the next destination was a super surprise that stumped us out of our ground. That's Edinburgh, Scotland. It was unbelievably breathtaking. A series of blackened spires of hundreds of buildings that are thousands of years old show mirror to some authentic and flamboyant Scottish history. At that point, I felt Edinburgh was the best place among all the places I had been to by then toppling Madrid, Barcelona, Queenstown, Lucerne from my list. The ubiquitous bagpiper aura of Edinburgh, with their traditional Scottish music (called Capercaillie) was soul stirring. All of us in our family felt, Royal Mile of the city was dreamlike. 

Glasgow while good at it's own right was more of a regular city without that small old town charm. Our Scotland experience was worthwhile.

Ireland

Next was Dublin, Ireland. While not quite an eye-candy kind of city, Dublin surprised me in some way. Every part of the city talked about its struggle with British and the omnipresent hatred towards their more flashy or powerful neighbor across the sea. Tour guides, cab drivers all talked about how their nation was oppressed by the British. It felt different listening to white guys being victims of colonialism and imperialism. Ireland was a kind of white man's India. But traditional Irish music was addictive to ears all through. I would see the shamrock and St. Patrick's celebration in a different way going forward. 

My parents ended their journey here with a week of historical indulgence. After seeing them off to a flight to Washington DC, our odyssey continued to the next city which again surprised us with it's mere existence. 

Northern Ireland

That's Belfast, Northern Ireland, the most politically charged and polarizing city I had ever been to. Past troubles between pro British Protestants and pro Ireland Catholics is still visible today with two flags staring at each other in neighborhoods. Some nationalist cab drivers said they were still a part of Ireland and some loyalist guides said they were strongly British. Touted to be the most violent city in Europe (or the world), the uneasiness was palpable. My kids and I having a long conversation about the historical context, IRA was my winning moment. They were interested in geopolitics and history. I was happy. Time to bid adieu to British Isles with that euphoria. And the next destination was...Prague, Czech Republic.

Czech Republic

During my school days, I read about a country called Czechoslovakia, thanks to Martina Navratilova. I knew the capital city was Prague but then it got buried in the annals of my memory until Ranbir Kapoor's Rockstar released. I was awestruck with the way they showcased Prague and Charles bridge that I wanted to visit the place someday. And I was not a bit disappointed. 

With compact old town, millennium old squares which screamed of history, the Vtlava river witnessing all the glory, Prague is straight out of postcard backdrop. I did not believe my senses for a while. But incessant crowds marred the otherwise ethereal experience. Any picture in Prague would look like a group picture with random strangers. Then is the turn to a place very few brown guys like me would usually destine to. Zagreb, Croatia.

Croatia

We were officially in the Balkans. Today, most people would know Croatia for their football team but my school day memory was to learn about a country called Yugoslavia (capital Belgrade) of Monica Seles, another superstar tennis player stabbed by Steffi Graf's maniac fan. Then the country was clearly in my memory of being disintegrating into several small countries in early 1990's. Croatia was one of them. Slovenia was another. Both countries happened to be in my itinerary now. It is like me revisiting my school time general knowledge lessons.

I did not find any brown guys in Zagreb except an Indian restaurant owner (by the way any corner of the world has an Indian restaurant where you’re greeted in Hindi). Zagreb was more of a transit city for us to begin a 5 country drive but the city pleasantly surprised us with its charm. It was more or less comparable to Prague sans publicity and crowds. Narrow alleys, makeshift restaurant filled cobbled streets reminded me of Rome. People were nice but they clearly haven't seen many Indian looking guys since long. It's evident in their stares.

Slovenia

Then we drove to a place we had no idea about. The capital city of Slovenia called Ljubljana. We had a mini crash course to learn pronouncing the name. The moment we crossed the border, we felt a perceivable difference in infrastructure and the mountainous scenery. Slovenia is surprisingly a super developed country amidst a plethora of medium economy Balkan states. But the biggest surprise is the highway system 'Autobahn', the name borrowed from Germany. The speed limit was advised to be 130 kmph with very few speed limit signage but nobody drives slower than 150 kmph. While I like to believe I am a fast driver (with record number of speeding tickets), I was a fish out of water among the formula one racer kind of drivers around. My fragile ego was hurt a bit but I did not afford to put my family in danger and hence relegated myself to a slower right lane with a mere 120 kmph.

Talking about Ljubljana, it’s majestic, breathtaking and felt it was Prague on steroids without crowds. We made it as a transient stop but wished we spent more time. But the next destination in Slovenia, Lake Bled was worth leaving Ljubljana. The lake with blue waters with castle amidst and alps surrounding it was purely a dream. It could not be real. While most time spent there went to take pictures and videos, the presence among Alps after a decade was refreshing and welcoming. 

Time to go back to Zagreb for a night because another day, another country was waiting. A 3 hour drive from Zagreb to Budapest, Hungary was due.

Hungary

At the outset, I felt Budapest was any other city like Prague, Zagreb or Ljubljana. Nothing came closer to Edinburgh till then though. But whoa ! Ask me the best city I had been to in my life so far, I would answer 'Budapest' in a heartbeat. 

While other cities were compact with a remarkable charm, Budapest was a megacity with the same charm or more. So there was a bigger canvas with more attractive skyline with spires across both sides of a wide and imposing river Danube, again a famous river I read in my social studies class during school days.

Another welcome change of Budapest was the ubiquitous presence of public thermal baths built a thousand years ago. Historical prominence, medicinal values, fun among hundreds of local Hungarians in scorching sun was the perfect pretext for all of us to have 3 hours of bliss. Streets, cathedrals, memorials, architecture, castles, river - everything was top notch enough to put the city on highest pedestal. Yes, Budapest is even better than Edinburgh. 

Slovakia

Then came a landmark day of our lives. The day that would not be rivalled ever after. We had been in 4 countries in one day. August 20th it was. 

Our car drive started from Budapest that morning enroute to a city called Bratislava, capital of Slovakia which is the another part of erstwhile Czechoslovakia. Bratislava reminded us of Ljubljana and Prague again with compact old towns and historical prominence but we will remember the city for something else. Lack of internet connectivity. 

Yes, the first place where mobile connectivity vanished which did not even happen in Amazon rainforest or relatively poor Peru. We connected to local wifi at a place to go to a distant historical place but getting back to the center was a herculean task ahead of us. Almost 10 stores and restaurants we pleaded for wifi, did not even bat an eyelid showing how cold anybody could be. We could have stayed back in some hotel had we not had a flight scheduled in 3 hours from neighboring country Austria to final destination in another neighboring country Poland.

With some good Samaritans directing us a walking way to the city center, we somehow panted, ran and found our car to cruise to Vienna Airport in Austria to catch our flight on time to reach Krakow, Poland by 6 pm. So technically Budapest (Hungary), Bratislava (Slovakia), Vienna (Austria) and Krakow (Poland) happened on one single day. But practically we saw only Bratislava that day.

Poland

I read somewhere that Polish people are cold and don't interact with strangers with no reason. Hence I was prepared for few uncomfortable moments. But Polish people happened to be the sweetest among many other nationalities I visited (on par with Jamaicans). Cab drivers and anybody else who I could strike a conversation with were extremely hospitable.

Krakow is the most touristy place in Poland even more than capital city Warsaw. That's because that's the only old city that was not harmed during world war 2. Polish culture, architecture and heritage were untouched for the last 1000 years or more. Again a small compact city, but there was some strange sort of comfort and 'apnaapan' in Krakow. I loved every moment I spent there. But there was also some strange anxiety looming in the city. Reason: influx of refugees from neighboring Ukraine.

Ukraine was in spirit across our trip because entire Europe was in solidarity with Ukraine and I could see derogatory slogans (in English, surprisingly) against Putin everywhere. Uber had options like Uber X, Uber XL and also Uber for Ukraine charging a few euros more so the proceedings go to war relief. Cab drivers we met were Ukrainians who had to forgo their houses and businesses back home to re-establish themselves in Poland or Hungary. 

If this wasn’t disturbing enough, something else was in store. Our day-tour to a neighboring city called Auschwitz. For beginners, it was a place where Adolf Hitler built concentration camps to prison over a million people and got them killed in gas chambers and extermination centers. The place was a dark testimony of how anybody could be inhumanly evil. Being a history connoisseur, I read about Hitler, World War, Holocaust from umpteen number of sources, but witnessing a place where millions of shoes and tonnes of human hair stored as exhibits was heart wrenching and stomach churning. One of the last places of the tour happened to be a grim, poignant and macabre sight but always left us realizing how fortunate we are to live a life on our own terms when millions were killed just because they were born in a certain religion or place. How devastating.

Austria

With a heavy heart, we left Poland to reach the final destination, Vienna, the city which has been on the top of all lists for best cities or most livable cities in the world. At first sight, Vienna was like any other city and we felt had we visited Vienna before visiting Budapest, Prague or Edinburgh we could have blown our minds. So it felt a bit underwhelming on day 1. That was because we had not seen the splendor yet.

The next day was our last day of the trip and hence wished we ended it on a high note so prayed hard that Vienna old town is worth it all. And we went there...and we had our mouths agape. The words magnificence, grandeur, flamboyance all suddenly felt very small. The old city was out of the world, the way we did not even dream about. We felt like being in a period film set, but that was real with horse buggies amidst imposing buildings, immaculate sculpture and breathtaking visuals. We literally had to remember to breathe.

Added to that, Vienna was a city synonymous to classical music scene. Mozart belonged there (yes, the same Mozart on whom AR Rahman is titled Mozart of Madras). If that was not enough Beethoven also lived there. For those of you who haven't heard their names, I'm sure you would have listened to their symphonies as door bell tunes, advertising jingles somewhere. Youtube "Turkish March' or 'Serenade No. 13' of Mozart or Beethoven's Für Elise or 5th symphony. We happened to be in the apartments where both these legendary artists once lived and roamed. Surreal-max. My boy is into music and piano renditions so we were glad we happened to be at Mecca of music. I'm sure he would appreciate this visit when he realizes how fortunate he was. My girl is into arts and hence we took her to an art museum to show Picasso's first hand work. Vienna is a heaven for connoisseurs of art, music, architecture, history or quality of life alike. The last day of the trip was memorable.

Conclusion

And thus, the final day of departure arrived. After 9 countries, 18 cities, 154 kilometers of walking (yes, including my kids), it was time to bid goodbye to Central Europe. As a tradition, we don't visit same place twice so our farewell to those cities was a bit overwhelming.

The tour costed us considerable money but I am not a bit repentant because we returned home with richer experiences. Being in the palaces, castles, houses, squares which witnessed history, aristocracy, art and music and then discussing and teaching kids about the history, answering their inquisitive questions, capturing lifetime of memories was worth it. 

Being in places where Mozart, Picasso, Beethoven, Kings, Queens, Commanders once walked, listening to Scottish, Irish music from the traditionalists, roaming in their streets, eating their kind of food is priceless. 

Listening to local people about how their lives changed after shedding communism / socialism post Cold War era, understanding their historical struggles, present day politics, prejudices was thought provoking.

Grandeur of Budapest, Vienna, Edinburgh, Prague, Zagreb, Ljubljana will be with us forever. 

Witnessing Hitler's gas chambers, Belfast troubles' era prisons, talking to Ukrainian refugees were disturbing but those sad experiences brought a new dimension into our personality as we have more gratitude for our current lives. 

We left a part of us in every place we visited and we gained a bit from those places. So much that every night’s dream since we returned featured some kind of tourist spot. And we are not complaining. Now looking forward for another trip to lesser traveled countries sometime this year end.

Country count so far: 

My boy and I - 43 countries 

Wifey - 45 countries 

My little girl - 29

Parents - 19 

As we always believe, to travel is to live.

My storytelling in three formats

Writing

During my engineering college exams whenever I wasn't prepared well, I used to write some imaginary stories on answer sheets. Sometimes professors announced and shamed me in the class but that resulted in something unexpected. My room-mates and friends who saw an 'untapped potential' in me wanted my help in writing love-letters for their girls. That was an era when internet wasn't accessible to general public and cellphones were out of question. Handwritten love-letters meant bunch of papers tied up with a thread (just like exam answer sheets).

I grew so comfortable and prolific in writing those letters, that I was soon made a to-go person for 'love-letter consulting'. My boys sometimes even suspected that I was trying to woo their girls with my own feelings than writing on their behalf but little did they know that my love was more for the words, metaphors and expressions than the girls or the boys themselves.

My interest in writing then turned into passion and since then there's no turning back. What started as love-letters continued through project reports, publications, work-related documents, websites content to blogs. Today my main business revolves around writing documents, templates for small and medium sized companies. While they call it management consulting, for me it's all about understanding their business and converting that into words.....sometimes technical but mostly it's word-game.

When I don't have much to write for work, I open my blog and scribble my heart out. And I did that 137 times precisely. But writing is not something which helped me discover my inner passion. It's teaching.

Speaking / Teaching

The year I arrived to Canada, I was asked by my then employer to handle training division of his business in his absence as he had more important things to take care of. Prior to that, public speaking was only about seminars in MBA and later some amateur training to interns. But the day I took up to training, I kind of discovered myself.

When I stood before the crowd and started explaining them things, words started flowing incessantly and organically without me putting much preparation or effort. Explaining complex concepts in storytelling format became fun, then an addiction and then way of life. And my audiences listened in rapt attention (at least I felt so).

My love affair with teaching crossed many thresholds across businesses, subjects, topics, forums to corporate training to guest lectures at my alma-maters. Now teaching isn't a big money-spinner for me and after management consulting began picking up to be my major business, I've been contemplating to put an end to training but it's pure respect and love of my alumni and my own passion of teaching, I couldn't do that as yet. All I could do now is to limit it to weekends and some evenings.

Be it writing or teaching, I love presenting my thoughts in a tangible form for others to understand and devour. And this is the exact feeling I get when I make any music video.

Film-making

While I don't make films per se, I use this term loosely to represent motion art (music videos, short films that I engage in).

It all started with my wife and sister-in-law asking me on gunpoint to film them groove for some remix song at their backyard. I reluctantly started but enjoyed the process and felt it was rather fun. After that there's no looking back. 9 music video covers, 1 short film, 13 snippets for marketing - all happened in a 2 year period.

There are many who admired my videos and I will always be grateful. I took all the criticism and brickbats too into my stride because they took time to watch and express their opinion on my work.

Some well-wishers who noticed that I made all those videos with the same skill-sets, time and resources (like a cellphone) which they all have, wondered why didn't I get formal training and try for an opportunity to make a commercial movie. I wasn't (am not) interested in that for multiple reasons.

I'm in that stage of life when career change, paradigm shift don't entice me anymore and I'm quite satisfied with the money or recognition I currently get by doing what I do.

Question: Then why film-making ?

Answer: Being a perennial daydreamer, I thrive in many random thoughts, dreams and imaginations. When some thoughts persist and get etched in my mind strongly, I try to translate those into some medium. If a thought is beautiful with photogenic faces and appealing locations, I can't do justice to that in a blog-post. I get a strong urge to make a video and make that thought immortal. I love giving life to my imagination.

Then I try finding somebody who could bring my imagination to life. Many who collaborated with me on music videos were (are) my friends or those who I know. Most obliged my request and even those who weren't interested to collab were polite enough and I respected their choice. Once I find actors who I think could do justice, I arrange logistics, plan their outfits, film (mostly with my phone), edit the footage and publish. Then I juxtapose my vision / imagination with the output and if it's on par, I'd sleep peacefully, and if not I use the discrepancy as motivation for my next project.

Question: Is it worth wasting so much time, effort and energy on this ? 

Answer: Yes. Because I refuse to work 9 am-5 pm, pay bills and die. I want to create a legacy of my own which outlasts my physical existence, which defines my vision, my way of thinking and my craft that my kids and to-be grand kids could live with long after I cease to exist.

I hope my friends who worked with me on those videos too have a story to tell their kids later that a crazy guy forced them into some crazy project that helped them tick off their bucket-list item or something they always fantasized but didn't know how to pursue.

Conclusion:

Both my Blog and CutMirchi Media are thus extensions to my personality that could potentially carry my mind, my breath, my words and my legacy. And through both these media, I get to do what I do at my own leisure, terms and resources.

120,000 blog views, 240,000 YouTube channel views,7000 FB page likes only strengthen my resolve.

When I write a blog or a work related document, I tell a story; when I speak in a lecture hall, I tell a story too. During film-making, of course I try to tell a story. Writing, speaking and film-making are hence three modes of story-telling which liberate my artistic expression and keep my creative pangs floating. I always want to live a story-teller and die as one. That defines me.

_________________________________________________________________________

PS: Somebody asked me what do I like the most in film-making (or any creative video-making) since I was involved in end to end lifecycle and beyond. Here they are:

• Most interesting phase - writing story / screenplay - because that involves a lot of dreaming
• Most boring task - production design (arranging logistics and scheduling) - meh
• Most overrated task - camera work and filming - that's a craft anybody can master with time
• Most satisfying task - directing the performance to align with the vision. 
• Most difficult task - editing. It's the most creative part
• Most rewarding task - acting. It's most recognized and an everlasting memory for actors
• Easiest task - reviews and judgement :) 

4 Secrets of Time Management

After hearing many undeserved compliments about my multi-tasking abilities with varied avocations, my hard-working nature etc, I thought its time I reveal to the world around me that I'm far from being a hard-worker. On the contrary, I'm one of the laziest creatures around.

So how do I manage to pursue varied avocations and hobbies ? Answer is not in multi-tasking as much as it is in time management. I was in a situation where I had no choice but to learn time management or fail in my longtime goals. Necessity is the mother of invention and I had to reinvent myself and circumvent my laziness.

My Story

There was a time in 2017 when I was in the final stages of my Ph.D thesis work and also on the verge of completing coursework at Harvard and hence had to regularly travel to Boston in addition to handling my regular work. Though my wife took upon her the responsibilities of our kids (then 4 and 2 y.o respectively) and The Saharsh Project, things were getting extremely difficult and dropping out of Harvard was just around the corner but I reached so close to those academic goals which many die for and I could not have lost that golden opportunity. But time was a scarcity and I had only one option and that was to get the most of 24 hours I had in a day.

I meticulously planned for 5 hours of sleep, 2 hours of daily routine that left me with 17 hours a day which meant 5 hours to read, prepare and 12 hours a day to write thesis, dissertation, project work, presentations, research work etc. Yes I was only writing and publishing strategic management related articles for 12 hours every day for months. Looking back, it appears surreal but it was a norm then.

Had I aimed at perfection in all tasks at my hand, I could not have completed any of that. So I chose to be more productive, left out few tasks I could afford, learnt faster ways of doing things, invested 100% in my priorities and adapted myself to the time pressure through skimming, extreme focusing to the tune of not acknowledging the exterior world. I wouldn't have noticed even if somebody robbed me then. At one point, one full hour felt like a luxury.

The phase ended. I graduated from Harvard in May 2017, submitted Ph.D coursework a month later, got doctorate later that year and suddenly I had all the time in the world but didn't want to let go my hard-earned time managing attitude. I needed to do take up something else to keep myself busy by honing my abilities and testing new waters. That was the beginning of my version 2.

I rekindled perennial interest in traveling and we traveled all 7 continents in that calendar year to commemorate our 10th anniversary, revived my latent blog and voraciously read as much non-fiction as I could get hold of. I still had time so I picked up new interest in photography, short film making, cooking. And in everything, I tried to implement the techniques I learnt earlier and in the process racing against time became more fun than compulsion.

I do not usually like to sermonize others as how to manage their time because what worked for me may not work for everyone universally. Also it all depends on how badly one wants to work towards their passion. So the below observations or secrets of time management are based on my own case and could be subjective to my points of view

Secret (1) - Plan for minutes or seconds

Most complain that they don't have enough time to get over daily chores. But I never understand people who take 2 hours for cooking or 30 mins for shower. For example to take a shower - it takes 15-20 seconds to get wet (why more than that ?), 30 seconds to apply soap, 15 seconds to get rid of soap. Even if it's repeated thrice, it takes 3 minutes. Clothing would take another 120 seconds (really need more ?). So if one spends more than 5-10 minutes in shower, they are just having fun or making excuses for themselves.

This logic might sound silly but once you get into the habit of planning things based on minutes if not seconds, you'll notice a significant change in your lifestyle. There is a fastest way of accomplishing every task and if you think this sounds impractical, read more on project management techniques CPM & PERT.

Secret (2) - Prioritization

Assume you overslept and have only 30 minutes to catch the train whereas you usually take 2 hours every morning to get ready. What would you do ? You PRIORITIZE.

You skip all avoidable habits like browsing through Instagram or Facebook on bed or toilet seat, admiring yourself in mirror for long, spending more time in selecting outfits. Bottom line is that when you are under time pressure, you do certain things differently by prioritizing only the unavoidable stuff and skipping everything else. Why can't we do the same even when we are not under any time constraint ? How much of time can you save if we make it a lifestyle ?

Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs sported same kinds of t-shirts everyday just to save time spent on deciding what to wear everyday. Lesser decision fatigue, more time at hand.

Secret (3) - Adaptability

Human body and mind are adaptable. If you subject yourself to certain kind of time pressure for a while, it will gradually become a norm and you start accomplishing the task faster. If you have 1 hour for any task, tune your mind that you have only 20 minutes and plan accordingly.

Pick a task - for example cooking - notice why would it take more than 120 seconds for washing vegetables, 600 seconds for chopping, 120 seconds for adding spices to the pan. Do you really need more than 30 minutes to cook one curry ? Or practice spending not more than 10 seconds to wear shoes.

Taking shower for 30 minutes may give you happiness or satisfaction, but is that satisfaction really worth when you can finish off both shower and cooking within 30 minutes and pick up a hobby in the saved time ? This attitude doesn't get into your system in a day, but doing the same for weeks or months will auto-tune your body and mind.

Secret (4) - Aim for productivity not perfection

You may feel, the above techniques will not result in perfection. I totally agree but think how many tasks we do on a daily basis require perfection ?

                         Output
Productivity =  ---------
                          Input

This has been my mantra ever since I reinvented myself. If perfection is taking more input with lesser output, bid adieu to that perfection. I would rather earn $5 with 1 hour of effort than $10 with 10 hours of effort. Decide for yourself how much time do you want to spend on each task based on the results it yields. Aiming for perfection in unnecessary stuff is a perfect recipe for failure and disappointment.

Trust me, most tasks you do now can be completed with almost similar quality in 20% of the time you take now.

Analysis

If you notice, none of my blog posts, creative work are perfect because I chose to be productive over being perfect. I spend not more than an hour to write a blog post and I never bother to proof read before publishing. I don't spend more than 2 days to shoot a song (only once took 3 days) and in most cases I shoot with my phone to avoid set-up lag and overheads, I take only 2 days for editing. That's because neither blogging nor film making is my career and I don't mind being judged.

When I read something, I skim through patches of paragraphs without reading every word. What started as compulsion became a lifestyle and now its more fun to race against the clock. I do indulge in these hobbies for my fun without being perfection-conscious but by doing the same many a time, I managed to get decent command and this would eventually turn into perfection some day. But what mattered more for me is that I caught a habit of reducing lag in doing any task, made it a lifestyle and now using the saved time to pick up new hobbies, avenues and slowly expanding my repertoire one thing at a time.

PS: As we speak, I'm in middle of expanding business operations, final stages of house construction, ground work for a major event through 'CutMirchi Media', expanding 'The Saharsh Project', editing 12 videos, working on astrophysics based vlog, filming remaining portions of web-series. I'm able to do these not because I'm gifted but because I gifted invaluable 'time' to myself. It's more about discipline and attitude than talent.

4 types of rapists among desi men !

When Nirbhaya incident happened 7 years ago, I was shaken and outraged like the rest of India. I, like many others, wished and hoped for public hanging and castration of the perpetrators. I wrote an article Society Encouraging Rapists !!! and gradually moved on like the rest of countrymen.

Now Priyanka Reddy incident happened. I'm again outraged; people again calling for public hanging. Déjà vu ! But one welcome change is that all four perpetrators were encountered and killed like mad dogs on streets (current development as I'm writing this article), though I only hope this doesn't become a precedent to unchecked extrajudicial killings

Hope this makes other rapists think twice before remotely thinking of such heinous and gruesome crime but that's just a naive hope and I know that won't happen.

Within 3 days of the sad incident, 'Priyanka Reddy' video was searched for more than 8 million times in a porn site in a hope that rapists could have recorded and uploaded it. An young doctor full of life was RAPED, BURNT ALIVE and millions of bastards wanted to watch that video to jerk off. Let that sink in !

This mentality proves that rapists as we see in news are only tip of the iceberg while the society by and large is infested with men with some level of rapist attitudes within them. I tried to classify such beasts into 4 levels.

Level 1: Criminal Rapists

Hardened criminals who commit rapes aren't naive boys who don't know about legal implications. They totally know rapes are worst of crimes and also know they will be behind bars when they get caught. But their criminal mindset, psychopathic tendencies, sexual starvation, over-confidence in their own physical strength and wit or mere negligence of societal norms make them a severe blot on  humanity. They don't even bother if the girl they are victimizing is a stranger, colleague, neighbor or a friend. They are actually civilizational epidemic.

It's utter naivete and foolishness to assume that public execution or legal punishment of 3 or 4 such criminals will deter these animals from committing rapes. Killing one snake doesn't stop other snakes from biting. When a rapist is executed or convicted, just one rapist would be less in the society. That won't reform others, period

Level 2: Potential Rapists

Numerically there are only few criminal rapists, but there are many more who fantasize and celebrate rapes. All those millions who searched for rape porn video mentioned earlier form this bloc.

If that wasn't enough, there are guys who cheer and celebrate brutal rape-murder. If you see the screen capture of some comments that came aftermath Priyanka Reddy's gruesome murder, you will be appalled beyond disbelief.

Collectively all of them meant the girl was beautiful, rapists were lucky, girls enjoy being raped and all girls must be raped. There are hundreds of such comments, tweets and messages flooding all over social media. When you have time, listen to this audio clip of one of those guys who proudly endorse his comments and his 'ideology' of celebrating rapes.

If provided immunity from law, they all will commit rapes at their first given opportunity. They are sociopaths and potential rapists. And there are millions of them roaming around streets.

Level 3: Latent Rapists

Most level 1 and 2 rapists are sexually frustrated men whose anti-social tendencies make them a menace to the society. While they are dangerous and loathsome, their tendencies are more to do with sexual starvation and not outright hatred or prejudice against women.

There is a bloc of pathological misogynists who hate women out of sheer male chauvinism, superiority complex. They can't stand a woman standing up to them. They want to 'teach them a lesson' and show the role and status of women in the society. They epitomize patriarchy and male chauvinism.

While in most cases, these men don't commit rape as defined in the law, they would commit marital rape which unfortunately go largely unnoticed. Some men commit mental rape by oppressing, assaulting and harassing women around them. Though these people don't come under the gamut of law, they cause the most trouble to women on a day to day basis.

Level 4: Dormant Rapists

Dormant rapists typically don't rape, neither do they cause any direct offence but give credence to all above mentioned levels of rapists by giving them moral high ground through victim blaming and moral policing. These 'priviliged' men lay rules as what a women should dress and how should she behave so as not to 'tempt' them. They espouse men's inability to keep their dick in pants looking at women and hence absolve rapists and blame victims.

Most such men, unfortunately are supposedly wise, learned and senior men of the society. Garikapati's video to that effect here. They believe that a girl who dress to entice is the root cause of the problem without accepting the fact that infants, toddlers and fully clad women form the majority of rape victims.

For such people, rape is not a crime but something men are forced to do because of women's lifestyle and dressing. A man who asks or forces a woman to cover up, wear full pants, ghoongat, pallu, purdah, hijab, burqa or veil is a dormant rapist.

Possible Measures

Eliminating the menace of rape could take decades or centuries because changing the entire society's mindset can't be done through some laws or police action. So solution to this problem may not be immediately feasible but as a collective society, something can be done to mitigate or abate the social epidemic.

Proper parenting: It all starts at home. Every rapist or chauvinist would have an irresponsible or anti-social parent(s) who fail to teach him how to respect everybody in general and girls in particular. Proper parenting and correcting him at young age would nip the problem in the bud

Legalization of prostitution: While this may sound absurd, this could resolve some obvious issues.
Legalization of prostitution and access to responsible sex among young adults could change societal dynamics. That could as well restrict involuntary human trafficking because any kind of legal prohibition would only create vacuum for anti-social elements to fill in through illegal means.

Avoiding segregation: Indian society is largely segregated as far as gender is concerned. Due to the conservative societal pressures, boys and girls are raised and tied separately and involuntary celibacy (incel) is inadvertently encouraged, thus leading to some sexual starvation. This starvation could make some boys see girls as objects for sex instead of treating them as human beings like themselves. I know this may sound like promoting unregulated sex but advocating safe sex is more important for a society than penalizing young boys and girls for pre-marital sex.

Access to porn: Banning porn sites is the dumbest of laws any government can ever pass. Porn could be that much needed outlet for frustrated youth who could otherwise impose themselves on some girl instead. Jerking off in front of a computer is any day better than preying on women.

Dis-empowering moral police: While the above measures may help take starved boys off the street, stripping men who blame victims off their credibility is a major macro societal move. Young boys should be taught that those who blame women for their dressing are weak men who can't control their own senses from committing a crime.

I don't want to be called a FEMINIST !

Last year, I wrote an article critiquing patriarchy and typical son-in-law behavior (The great Indian 'Son-In-Law' syndrome !) which was endorsed and appreciated, especially by women. Whenever I raised my opinion against vulgarization, male chauvinism, misogyny against women, they complimented that I was raised well by my parents and called me a feminist; but each time I got a bit uncomfortable in my skin.

I could bask in the glory of being pro-women activist and appear a gentleman or knight in shining armor etc, but my ideological rant is not against just men or patriarchy but against oppression and hate. If I criticize male chauvinism and patriarchy which is one extreme, I equally rebuke radical feminism which is another extreme because these are two sides of the same coin called prejudice.

This could be an unpopular opinion and many women who earlier liked me may start hating me from now and label me a male chauvinist pig but I DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED A FEMINIST
for two reasons, one for the etymology of the word and second for the way radical hate-mongering and irrational rebellion against everything status-quo is being masqueraded with a fake garb called feminism.

First, I cringe when somebody describes  'feminism' as equality of men and women. There is a simple English word called "egalitarianism" which actually means equal rights and opportunities for everyone regardless of gender, age, race etc.

What if I call myself masculinist and define masculism as equality of both genders. Isn't it an oxymoron ? Feminism or masculism may not be intrinsically wrong but getting away by defining either of them as equality is wrong. Both these terms reek of a strong affinity towards one gender and disinterest towards another, if not hatred.

Secondly, while the movement against gender discrimination is very much necessary in this age and time, the term 'feminism' is somewhat hijacked by a section of hatemongers who turned a serious reforming movement to "all men are trash" movement.

Here are the major disagreements I have with new-age radical feminists:

Misuse of the word 'MISOGYNY': Misogyny by definition is strong dislike or hatred towards women. But when two individuals fight or mistreat each other and one of them happens to be a woman, the word misogyny is loosely inserted into the narrative. That's why 'Arjun Reddy' or 'Kabir Singh' was vilified as misogynistic while the couple in love slap each other. The problem with the movie, if there is any, was only about glorifying hot-headed and uncouth acts of the protagonist. But I haven't heard anybody calling out Alia's character in 'Gully Boy' which was equally uncouth too.

Overrating Independence: When two people get married, they are bound to be dependent upon each other physically, mentally, sexually, financially and in other ways. The moment man or woman in a relationship wants to be 'independent' of the other, the relationship only spirals down to abyss. Women must seek independence only if they have stomach to tolerate her man being independent of her in any ways he wishes to. Instead replace the word 'independence' with 'responsible freedom' for both, it makes so much better sense. Anybody advocating independence of either a man or woman in a union is only ripping them apart.

It's not just Man's world: Have you ever lamented that most among successful people in business or powerful positions are men with negligible or no female representation ? If yes, did you ever try to reason why almost 99% of sanitation workers, defence staff and prisoners happen to be men too ? Be it achievements or struggles, men happen to be majority because of the simple logic that men and women are made differently.

Anthropologically, historically, biologically or physically men are made to be bread-winners, fighters, hunters, go-getters and workers whereas women are made to be nurturers, teachers, caregivers. That's why almost all daycare workers or teachers are women. That's how our DNA is wired.

As a man coming from a family of women achievers and being a hands-on dad myself, I don't intend to say that women aren't made to achieve at work or men can't raise kids. Everybody can do everything if they are committed and dedicated but some things come naturally to certain gender whereas the other gender has to fight against their natural instincts and that's science, even if you don't like.

Nitya Menen in one of her interviews said that few women in their fight for feminism and attempts to be more like men, turning more and more masculine and losing their femininity. That gives a message that femininity is weaker or inferior and one should be masculine to be happy. That's a dangerous and incorrect message.

Pay Discrimination: I do agree that pay discrimination occurs at some workplaces because misogynists do exist. But I was gobsmacked when the female lead of 'House of Cards' Robin Wright whined that she should have been paid on par with the male lead Kevin Spacey who was hundred times more popular, audience-grabber than the lady. The person who gets more audiences, fans to the artwork, and who puts in more effort, screen time, injuries etc should be paid more regardless of the gender. Same is the case with any business. Pay should be proportional to numbers they generate. IT IS NOT A MALE OR FEMALE ISSUE.

Fairness Products: Girls in my family don't use fairness creams or products and I personally find dusky women more attractive. But I could never comprehend the trend of shaming those who use fairness products and even worse attributing this to feminist revolution.

Again this is an anthropology matter because historically men are judged based on their success, ability to provide security and women are judged based on looks. Hence men and women sub-consciously strive to be / look successful and beautiful respectively.

'Fair & lovely' kind of companies thrive despite criticism because sizeable section of women think that lighter skin makes them look beautiful and if that makes them confident, it is their choice and you can't ridicule them for not following your set of beliefs. Even if you believe such women are manipulated by the society to feel so, you advocating fair skin is not beautiful is manipulation too. Their skin, their choice, period. And don't bring misogyny or victimhood into this because men seldom advertise or advocate fairness creams or any make-up items to women.

Body shaming: When Vidya Balan was criticized for her weight, multiple articles spawned calling misogyny and body shaming. Movies and entertainment are show businesses and actresses (and actors) make-up to look good and presentable because looks are important for their line of work. Nobody must criticize looks of a female politician, teacher or an administrator because their KPIs (key performance indicators) are different. For actors and actresses, their presentability along with performance is the most important KPI and evaluating them based on their looks is not body shaming.

Even otherwise, describing a woman as fat is not always body-shaming unless it's used out of context and in a disparaging tone. It is like describing a man as short or tall. It's physical imagery and not always a cause to revolt.

Supporting women without merit: I know women who vote only for a woman contestant, support only women in any argument or fight and call that women empowerment. It's not. Actually it's gender discrimination if a woman is supported solely on basis on her gender instead of merits and demerits in the context. If a women loses an election and that's attributed to collective misogyny of the entire society, it's not a solution but a problem in itself.

CONCLUSION

India is an intrinsically and unfortunately patriarchal and male chauvinistic country and support, empowerment of women is a necessity. I always thought #MeToo is an important movement which needs to be sustained and endorsed as long as possible because it brought forward the menace which most men suppressed in the bud.

Men need to be taught a lesson that consent means everything and objectification of women needs to be demolished. The #MeToo movement also unfortunately resulted in innocent victims when con-women exploited the sympathy to their favor. But this is collateral damage. In any war, some innocent civilians die during attempts to annihilate enemy.

But this support to women in need is being diluted by a bunch of angry, radical and fake feminists who reduced a much needed movement to 'all men are trash' movement. Such women want the privileges of women, power of men but responsibilities of neither.

Presence of some scoundrels doesn't make entire gender a bunch of misogynist trash. Indian men, in particular must be lauded for their commitment to families because males of any species (including humans) aren't made to stick with families unlike mothers who are natural protectors of their offsprings. If a man is responsible enough to raise, nurture and show love and care to his family, he is acting against his natural instincts. Calling him trash just because he happens to be a man is loathsome and repulsive.

I know such radical feminists who claim that men like me who don't accept that all men as trash were actually a major part of the problem. Whoa ! To my surprise I found hundreds of articles on "all men are trash" and almost all articles engage in wordplay to suggest it's final, non-negotiable and anybody who counters that argument was a male chauvinist pig himself.

but I rarely bother being judged or hated upon. If that makes me trash, so be it.

A Cancer called Casteism

I just finished watching Ayushmann Khurrana’s hard hitting film “Article 15” and could not resist even a minute writing this post. The movie didn’t show anything we don’t know. It’s about abject caste discrimination, prejudice, untouchability etc which we read, hear and watch often and forget conveniently. 

There’s a dialogue in the movie which loosely translates into saying that more manual scavengers die on duty than soldiers at border. There’s also a scene where a manual scavenger is shown rising from filth in a gutter with lumps of sewage on his naked body only to dive back into the same gutter to complete his job. I honestly felt my stomach churned and guts blown. Been long time when some scenes in a movie made me personally guilty and shameful.

I hope everybody who reads this article, for a moment imagine themselves cleaning filth from the gutters under toilets of others or working on funeral grounds cleaning up after dead are cremated. Imagine others washing their hands after you shook their hands or others throwing the food you prepared in garbage just because you do menial job which they can’t and don’t do for themselves.

For us urban, educated, well-settled, well-informed people, our ego will be terribly hurt when our group of friends exclude us from their weekend gatherings. We feel upset when we don’t earn or dress or show-off like our neighbors or friends. Just think, there are 16% of Indian population who are untouchables just because they are born into a certain caste and hence forced to do a job which you don’t want to do. And if you think this happens only in rural pockets of India and caste discrimination doesn’t happen among ‘progressive and thinking’ Indians (or diaspora), you are either naive or living in denial or both.

I’m born in a supposedly upper caste associated with priesthood but never associated with any lifestyle that comes with that tag. The first time I ever contemplated about caste was during engineering college admissions where caste equations played a major role. And I hated caste-based reservations which denied me admission in any college in my city because I was put in a privileged category despite hailing from a working-class family. I had been a strong opponent of such reservations and also wrote earlier blog posts advocating merit-based admission against caste-based reservations.

But with age comes wisdom and with information change opinions. As I saw the world more, I started realizing that meritocracy (priority to merit or skill) would mean that only those with merit, skill, knowledge would be given all opportunities and only they can lead a happy life. And those lesser mortals who couldn’t develop skills for any reason (socio-economic, learning abilities or demographic) would be denied a happy life, which I believe, is gross injustice. 

A kid born to a manual scavenger who struggles for 2 meals a day for his family wouldn’t be in a same mental state of mind to compete with a privileged convent educated kid for some college admission because skill-development is dependent on various factors. If discrimination was done on the basis of caste, reservation too should be on the same parameter. So giving more opportunities to the lesser privileged is the obvious solution and reservations should remain. I know people from my community would lynch me for saying this, but this is how I have evolved today.

I know there are many people from scheduled castes who progressed, thanks to reservation and there should be a mechanism to take such people out of the reservations system and lesser privileged people from the same community should be offered such opportunities instead. But that’s easier said than done because vote banks and political equations mean more than social justice.

The irony of this era is that most of those who complain against caste-based reservations themselves aren’t oblivious of their own caste affiliations. That applies equally to rural parts of India to diaspora in US or Canada etc. NRI’s may not practice blatant untouchability because they are “modern and progressive” but most of them want to be friends with only those belonging to their own caste. They want only their caste people to occupy positions of recognition whether it’s at their workplace, community events, civic elections or even beauty pageants. The kind of unity they display and heavy lobbying they resort to for their caste is amusing and loathsome at the same time.

When I spoke about this sometime back, a wise man questioned me that when we get together with others belonging to our country, culture, language etc what’s wrong in grouping within our caste? Huh, there’s an inherent flaw in this logic. We associate with our fellow countrymen because we have a commonality whether in terms of culture, heritage, way of life but even that doesn’t warrant discrimination against others or nepotism towards our own. When we group with people who speak the same language, there’s a commonality, which is easy communication. In case of country, ethnicity, language, there is a group identity we associate for our own convenience, lifestyle or communication. WHAT THE HELL IS COMMON AMONG TWO PEOPLE OF THE SAME CASTE WHICH THEY DON’T SEE IN OTHERS?  

What’s a Reddy or a Yadav or a Brahmin / Kapu / Goud / Chowdary do within their own community which they can’t do with person from another caste ? N.O.T.H.I.N.G. It’s not group identity. It’s the way they were raised, they were told how important their own community was, how inferior or bad others were. When NRI’s too resort to such school of thought and inculcate the same in their kids too, it’s a travesty and a mockery of all their education and knowledge. It's cancer.

As long as the fake pride in caste identity remains, bigotry against other castes will remain too. As long as some castes live in superiority complex, there will be some others who will be discriminated against and their generations will live waging a war for self-respect and identity.

PS: For those who think I’m being self-righteous or sanctimonious, not even 5% of my friends belong to my caste. I never attend my caste-based events. I don’t follow or even acknowledge the existence of such events. I hope my kids never ask or know what caste they belong to because they don’t belong to any. And I’m not taking any pride in this because I believe this is how normal human beings should behave.

Signing off !