The Bad Boy Complex

I posted some random story on Instagram where I mentioned I don't drink, smoke or gamble to which my friends were concerned of me not living to the fullest and few offered to introduce me to the 'correct' way of life if I party with them often :) Actually their gesture was very sweet and funny and few even reprimanded me for being so boring. 

To add to the above list, I do not play video games, don't utter expletives, don't usually lose temper or yell at anybody (except my mom and wife - who know how to put me back in my place), do not consume soft drinks, tea or coffee and recently decided to avoid desserts too. Not that doing any of these is wrong or not doing these would make one better or worse. 

Just saying, I am that quintessential 'boring' person, most people would bypass in social circles as I do not fit into that 'interesting' or 'attractive' definition by miles and I believe there are many who live such boring and regular lives who do not attract any eyeballs nor are they centers of attraction of any group. This thought triggered me to write this note about those archetypal 'bad boys' with certain aura who are always 'attractive', 'interesting' and 'charming' and how do they manage to do it.

Story Behind 'Bad Boy Complex':

Historically (~300,000 years earlier) when early humans lived in small groups; men used to hunt, gather and provide food for families. For such men who hunted for food among wild animals, they had to be predators themselves who were up for bloody fights, upmanship with a display of supreme machismo combined with confidence and dominance.

More confident and dominant the male was, the more successful he was for his family and hence well respected, liked by the community in general and females in the society in particular. Okay, I don't intend to deliver a lecture on anthropology here but the point is that people generally liked and subconsciously got attracted to confident males since time immemorial.

Times changed. Civilizations developed, mindsets transformed, paradigm shifted. With education and empathy, humans understood that men do not have to behave like lions anymore because success and providing to family is now more proportional to their knowledge and people management than brute physical prowess. Industrial revolution, feminism made sure that men gravitate towards feministic qualities like communication, art, music, politeness in demeanor while women drifted towards socially prominent careers. Did this change the mindset totally? Alas, no. Because most of these revolutions happened in the last 100-200 years and how deep is human behavior ? 300,000 years old and can't be shaken easily.

Hence, when a man appears confident, he is congenitally attractive to both sexes. Men like to emulate him and women develop crush on him because confidence in the man are reflective of his ability to fight, win, dominate in any imminent confrontation and that would stimulate our hunter-gatherer ancestors' instincts. That's one reason protagonist of any mainstream movie, book or other pieces of fiction are always almost portrayed as confident and self assured. 

But where did bad boys come into this equation ? That's a travesty that happened because humans started confusing between confident boys and bad boys because bad boys always (100% of the time) look confident. 

'Arjun Reddy' is such a blockbuster despite the troublesome protagonist because he was charming thanks to his 'bad boy' attitude. 'Satya', 'Gangs of Wasseypur', 'The Wolf of Wall Street', 'The Godfather', 'Goodfellas' - you name it. When heroes (or anti-heroes) are shown as bad guys, they appear charming, attractive and the movie sells because they were catering to our primal senses and not to our intelligence.

So why cannot nice guys too display confidence and be attractive ? That would not work because nice guys are of two types.

1. Those exceedingly responsible to the extent of being meek. They can seldom be attractive or successful.
2. Those who waver between responsibility and confidence and exhibit attitude based on situation. They can be successful but appear boring as they don't exude ruggedness or charm.

Because bad boys do not have a barrier of dichotomy, they can afford to always show confidence (née arrogance) regardless of their success quotient or emotional quotient. Bad boys lose temper easily, throw tantrums because they do not care about consequences. They do not try to appease anybody because they do not invest in human relationships. They abuse themselves and their kindred because they do not intend to be responsible for anybody including themselves. But those flaws would be immensely charming and entertaining to look at.

When teenage girls and young women stepping into their early puberty encounter such bad boys, they fall head over heels, thanks to their DNA, chromosomes and hormones. They sometimes fight their parents and world because the intellectual reasons look too prosaic when juxtaposed against the charm and enchantment radiated by the bad boy. If the boy turns out to be equally responsible and successful, the girl would hit a jackpot, otherwise things would soon turn sour and repulsive when she begins despising his day to day temperament and tantrum fits that cause chronic trauma.

But the surprising fact is many women accept and come to terms with irresponsible bad boys for life. If male chauvinism, patriarchy and misogyny are celebrated in Indian households today, it is because the women tolerate, venerate and idolize this particular fake machismo of their husband and pass his toxicity off as his virility and ability. This is an invisible pandemic that gripped Indian households for centuries and is not going away anytime sooner.

So turning the tables, what should nice guys and good boys do to be equally attractive as bad guys ?

My answer is: Nothing. Do not do anything to be attractive or to impress others. You do not have to turn bad to attract a few eyeballs. You should not try too hard to be a hero or a cynosure. It would look forced and repugnant.

But if you are too introverted, meek or forbearing (type 1 of nice guys mentioned above), you need to understand that men will be respected based on how much value they create for their family (or society). Forget about attracting others and work on yourself and yearn to be more valuable. A valuable and successful man who can be responsible to his family and community is way more attractive than all those charmers you felt intimidated with earlier. 

If you are already responsible and confident, (which majority of us family men are - type 2 of nice guys mentioned above), let us stand our ground and raise our sons not to turn bad and raise our daughters not to fall for irresponsible bad guys and inspire both sons and daughters to conquer over any vices that could control them and to help them develop emotional stability and good manners. Future is in our hands while the time will be the winnow that will separate insignificant chaff from the wheat.