Two different schools of thought and often two conflicting opinions. Whenever the debate arises as which is better, the opinions are highly polarized and often subjective. But what I believe in is that success or failure of a marriage is not dependent on the kind of marriage it is, but the attitude and decision making prowess of people involved in it. And this is the very reason we don't see only one kind of marriages being successful and all others a failure or vice versa.
There are people from older generations and few in gen X too who look at the word "Love" with contempt and this is because they associate the very word with some kind of negativity and often use love as a synonym to lust or immaturity. This school of thought vehemently advocates arranged marriage and the kind of family support and thought thats put into those kind of marriages.
I often fail to agree to that as most of the cases, arranged marriage is set based on few set parameters like looks, financial status, job security and caste. I can't think of any other factor in consideration. The whole decision in taken in a matter of a month usually. Based on that, two lives get intertwined for 6 or 7 decades after that. I don't say arranged marriages don't work. Such marriages have all the ingredients to make it a good alliance, but the basis on which they are fixed has to be expanded.
Coming to love marriage, most of the current generation kids would prefer this as this kind of marriage provides an opportunity to know each other, like each other and decide if the rest of lives can be spent together. Again we see all kinds of examples here too. The success and failure of love marriages depends on what factors the guy and gal consider to know if they are compatible and their wisdom in analyzing the same.
Lot of youngsters mistake that liking or love can make their life happier. What they don't understand is marriage is not only about love or liking. Liking somebody and being happy with somebody are two different things. They have to understand that those they like or those they are liked by may or may not have that capability or attitude to keep their spouses happy for rest of their lives.
People who advocate love marriages have to answer themselves if they can be sure that the person of opposite sex is demonstrating his/her negative attributes too as it doesn't always happen during the courtship. The kind of compatibility issues rise only after two people start living under the roof. Once those differences in opinion start, the way the couple handles those situations is the key for successful marriage. Now this is applicable for both love or arranged marriages equally.
Liking towards one person is just one of the factors to marry that person as there are more important factors. Love can propel the marriage for may be 5 or 10 years. After that there are more factors which come into play. Security, comfort, support, understanding, humor, ability to resolve differences - from these factors, love automatically evolves which keeps the couple happy for the next half of the lifetime.
Love is something which is gradually developed after continuous interaction, mutual understanding, complementing each other's weaknesses, supplementing each other's strengths and being a shield of support for the partner against the whole world. Attraction, romance or infatuation towards each other don't die for decades if these factors are proportionately managed in the married life. Now this is a secret of a successful marriage.
Just because a guy and a gal are made to see each other for 20 minutes in presence of 20 people, neither can know if they can be a compatible couple for life. On the other hand, just because a guy and gal know, like each other and enjoy each other's company, it doesn't mean they can be happy thereafter too. Both these approaches involve judgement. So if parents are better judges if their kids can be happy with some person, arranged marriage will be magical. If kids can judge better than their parents, love marriages are good.
So it all depends on judgement of people involved and factors they consider, not the kind of marriage.
The magic lies in reaching out to each other, trying to accept each other's qualities, respecting each other and continuously working to keep the fire on for the entire life.
PS: I don't belong to any school of thought as mine was a love story which was turned into an arranged marriage. I`ll write about my views on pre-marital commitment and their implications in my next post.
There are people from older generations and few in gen X too who look at the word "Love" with contempt and this is because they associate the very word with some kind of negativity and often use love as a synonym to lust or immaturity. This school of thought vehemently advocates arranged marriage and the kind of family support and thought thats put into those kind of marriages.
I often fail to agree to that as most of the cases, arranged marriage is set based on few set parameters like looks, financial status, job security and caste. I can't think of any other factor in consideration. The whole decision in taken in a matter of a month usually. Based on that, two lives get intertwined for 6 or 7 decades after that. I don't say arranged marriages don't work. Such marriages have all the ingredients to make it a good alliance, but the basis on which they are fixed has to be expanded.
Coming to love marriage, most of the current generation kids would prefer this as this kind of marriage provides an opportunity to know each other, like each other and decide if the rest of lives can be spent together. Again we see all kinds of examples here too. The success and failure of love marriages depends on what factors the guy and gal consider to know if they are compatible and their wisdom in analyzing the same.
Lot of youngsters mistake that liking or love can make their life happier. What they don't understand is marriage is not only about love or liking. Liking somebody and being happy with somebody are two different things. They have to understand that those they like or those they are liked by may or may not have that capability or attitude to keep their spouses happy for rest of their lives.
People who advocate love marriages have to answer themselves if they can be sure that the person of opposite sex is demonstrating his/her negative attributes too as it doesn't always happen during the courtship. The kind of compatibility issues rise only after two people start living under the roof. Once those differences in opinion start, the way the couple handles those situations is the key for successful marriage. Now this is applicable for both love or arranged marriages equally.
Liking towards one person is just one of the factors to marry that person as there are more important factors. Love can propel the marriage for may be 5 or 10 years. After that there are more factors which come into play. Security, comfort, support, understanding, humor, ability to resolve differences - from these factors, love automatically evolves which keeps the couple happy for the next half of the lifetime.
Love is something which is gradually developed after continuous interaction, mutual understanding, complementing each other's weaknesses, supplementing each other's strengths and being a shield of support for the partner against the whole world. Attraction, romance or infatuation towards each other don't die for decades if these factors are proportionately managed in the married life. Now this is a secret of a successful marriage.
Just because a guy and a gal are made to see each other for 20 minutes in presence of 20 people, neither can know if they can be a compatible couple for life. On the other hand, just because a guy and gal know, like each other and enjoy each other's company, it doesn't mean they can be happy thereafter too. Both these approaches involve judgement. So if parents are better judges if their kids can be happy with some person, arranged marriage will be magical. If kids can judge better than their parents, love marriages are good.
So it all depends on judgement of people involved and factors they consider, not the kind of marriage.
The magic lies in reaching out to each other, trying to accept each other's qualities, respecting each other and continuously working to keep the fire on for the entire life.
PS: I don't belong to any school of thought as mine was a love story which was turned into an arranged marriage. I`ll write about my views on pre-marital commitment and their implications in my next post.
8 comments:
Was waiting for this post..very helpful one ;)
Nice Post, but the word "success" itself is debatable.
In many cases, marriages which considered successful are actually not. I am specifically telling about arrange marriages. Normally girl have lot of pressure from family to adjust and support in every possible way. Many cases girls do all adjustment without raising their voice and marriage is declared as successful marriage.
I know couple of cases in my surroundings where marriage is successful but I am sure, If we rewind girls life and ask her to choose again, she may not opt same guy.
Take a Poll from couples who are married for more than 3 years "Will you marry the same person again?"
Whether its arranged or love marriage people change according to the circumstances and hence the priorities also change. Those "few" who put an effort to maintain the balance Succeed - Rest Compromise Or Separate. So there is no definite measure to rate Arranged or Love Marriage.
Very true! Expressed the views clearly.
"complementing each other's weaknesses, supplementing each other's strengths and being a shield of support for the partner against the whole world"
Yay.. very true.
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I tend not to comment, but after browsing some of the remarks here "Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage".
I actually do have some questions for you if you do
not mind. Could it be simply me or do a few of the responses come
across as if they are coming from brain dead visitors?
:-P And, if you are posting at additional sites,
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"Love is something which is gradually developed after continuous interaction, mutual understanding, complementing each other's weaknesses, supplementing each other's strengths and being a shield of support for the partner against the whole world. Attraction, romance or infatuation towards each other don't die for decades if these factors are proportionately managed in the married life. Now this is a secret of a successful marriage" This paragraph is awesome!
I have often thought a partner who protected my solitude would be the perfect partner for me, I think your expanded paragraph says it better. Thank you
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